Midlife- In the middle of life?

Midlife- In the middle of life? 

I feel misplaced  

deserted

In the unknown 

to be nowhere

The one I grew up to be 

is not in the being

That one feeling that its me

Is not even seeming

Who am I really or am I there at all

Do I not feel or am I not there anymore

A ghost a soul which one is it

Dead or eternal what difference is it

I am not everywhere am I anywhere

Am I here or 

am I there

Where did I  live and why did I live it all 

That I were to shut it down, that I were to leave it all

Identity - what does it mean

I am not sure, it cant be seen

Parts of me have fallen away

From inside me on some far array

So much for “Till death do apart”

How many times may I have died, That now I feel like just the picture 

And no life’s art.

Shubhangi Saraf

3/19/25

Ultimately… ;)

 Over smart is foolish,

Jack of all, Master of none;

Smart is hardworking and wise, creating brilliance 

Master of all, one by one.

Reminiscence- The story of me so far…

Being a vegetarian, I came from where grass made the man

In my mid twenties I got transported and teleported to where ‘the man made the grass’

It is sometimes called ‘shrubs and bushes’ here 

That way it can make sure it amuses the viewer

Little did i know why it got cut and sharpened in ways man preferred

As i wondered if i cud stay alive in this ‘made by man’ world

Nature is particular and strict and sharp here sometimes 

While it can also grow naturally beautiful ‘when untold of’ at other times

For when I came all the way here, 

like the grass, I felt expected to be shaped up for the job

The cutting and trimming, in just the needful form felt sharp

And i let a little sigh dying away into ‘nay’

And little was that ever heard, 

in the flamboyant, uptight, sharp world

And upon dying and waking up again 

From the grassy green grave

I came to learn, That I was meant to live

No matter short or tall, I had to upheave

Against my own notions of freedom and sharp bindings

Against my own beliefs of my role per my origin’s findings

It was not only ok but important to earn my bread here

Not for the means it gave but also for the joy of it

It was ok to ask and live through such joy

Where freedom breathed easily in my own smile

Where me was me an active part of the community 

And not just the one living a life in some impunity

So much of that old world now, truthfully, stinks like some rotting hurt

Although I still miss the sweet smell  

of the once happy uncut grass  trying to root in its own moist Earth…

U aint spring anymore, But u are the beautiful colorful fall for sure

Dear life how is it 

that u are u still holdin on

While It hurts me to make you move your old barren bones

How is that u have so much vigor 

While the parts of ur vessel are bearly in balance of  each other 

They are all sleeping in u

The flesh the fluids the food

The heart is running I see 

And its keeping up through as little as it cud be

I am not trying to be the devil here 

Ofcourse I love u “no matter what” :)

But I do wonder how u have such amazing light still

Is it ur hope ur prayer or ur wish to live

Whatever it is, its amazing and glorious 

I wonder if i shall be anything like u 

if I cud be in my Nineties 

U are a teacher a beautiful example 

To teach me of what all of it is worth

Such sweet smile, is it even close to the end

What cud I give to be such alive and not dead

In fact All life and not just then!

Ur liveliness thrives on your prayer

But I have seen so much misery

That to me, keeping on living, i dont even know if its fair

If fair to the maker to the bearer to the carrying timid soul

May i be just you when I wanna feel all well

The woman in the nineties 

With thoughts bright and shining mighty

With thoughts smiling softly 

You aint budding spring anymore

But u are the beautiful colorful fall for sure!

In this lesson of time…

Book: Coming out of COVID.

Location: South Windsor Public Library, CT, US

Title: In this lesson of time…

Page: 58

Author: Shubhangi Saraf

Published: January, 2023

 

In this lesson of time…

I donot know if I can fix it,

I donot know if I can solve…

Is it a daunting puzzle,

Or is it broken for ‘all’?

 

There’s more darkness in the bark than the color in leaves 

More story in its depth than in Them falling thieves

 

Beautiful has been another word for life

Then why in so much pain did we strive 

 

Is it fair to keep asking more from the Giver

Especially when He has begun to return the opposite endeavor

 

My my!! why why? Has it not been strong enough?

This fragile life of day break, is rotting now through dusk!

 

Are we dark and keep praying or are we full of light but in misery!

That we see the shadow of death linger, yet want to claim a share of merry…

 

Be better, be there, be nice, can we?

Or is it going to take life and death to reach eternity?

 

Dark may be, the darkness of the bark upon the trees,

It has a story to tell, of will and wisdom deep.

 

The falling leaves have left them branches dry and dead it seems…

But theres’ more life in holding on, than in fallen colors of grief!

 

Is it green or brown or dark yet growing…

Or is it extravagantly colorful?

Is it flying to fall into the gravel?

Or Is it rising up to be meaningful …?

 

Shubhangi Saraf

(Shay)

10/25/2021

 

Changing ... and !!! into .

Changing ... and !!! into . Its really important to start realizing that low expectations can possibly be very rewarding. Every thing doesnt have to be an exclammation mark or a wait to continue to reach the exclamation of wow and wonder in every single moment. Being at peace with the self cant mean reaching heights. In fact it would rather mean staying grounded! Very high expectations often cause a lot of disappointments and when u are constantly trying to meet high expectations, ur life can be full of disappointments. Therefore its really important to be in the things the way they are. Being comfortable is highly subjective. Birds can dance their way through stormy winds and kids can splash their way through muddy puddles and nothing can shake their happiness. How is it that we are frequently feeling dull or bored or guilty? Why cant we just be ok and think and feel that all is well? Why is there so much heaviness in our minds n hearts? It is very important to feel everything just like it is and not feel anything else at all. They say its all about balance and if u dont have balance in life then u fall. But who said that life is all about walking on a thin rope over a deep valley and that crossing over to the other end walking over such thin rope is the only way to reach the other end, the only way to be successful. Simple is beautiful and complicated may be intricate but why not live with it is what it is? Trying to make meaning of every single moment is a common thing to do in ones thrties. Perhaps one shall be better off leaving the meanjgn to the creator of things and instead just being amongst them. Amongst things, amongst nature amongst kids amongst family amongst peers amongst clients. I am sure such was the moment when someone invented zero. And just becoz he did so look how much worth this number has become ;)

News for the morals in you... Is money making you fragile?

News for the morals in you... Is money making you fragile? Does it make you flip to fight at every emotional insecurity ? Did you just shop to safeguard your relationship status with the extended world or did you recently just declare a war of insanity through your power against the the few people that might ‘just’ been around you! Money is powerful enough to earn you all such doings, that your morally wise soul would not afford, as it cannot spare “the change” of the little time, the good feeling, the peace of mind it has left, to the fickles of materialism. But what are you most driven to? The power of the money or the poverty in the soul? Yes the soul is poor - either unaware of its riches when one is growing to be someone or weaned off of its resource of wisdom when one thinks they are there, grown up, a part of the “society”, the powerful being! Or is your soul thriving through true relationships and meaningful freedom of mental space, living in the happy medium of its own nature while enjoying the endeavors of your flamboyant life? It’s beautiful, the color gray, as life can’t be segregated into such heart wrenching black and white or ‘blue and red’ because the color of life is really a prism of them all... and while blue blood shouldn’t mix with the red, the one is made from the workings of the other ! Hardworking or ‘Pure’ - neither is to blame.. is it? Shubhangi Saraf, 10/7/2021

Sand and Water

Someone once told me, referring to a great philosopher- “Are u happy or do you want to be happy?” There is a thin line but a world of difference between these two questions. If you want to be happy, you may or may not be happy at some point but if you are happy, nothing can take that away from you!! It depends on how much do you let your inner feeling of joy become a part of the larger world outside vs believing in it to be a beautiful part of your own self that will never change. With that said “belief” and “own self” are two words that often feel frail and weak as we age in today’s world, as if they were the sand under the tides of life at the edge of the sea... its really how we feel in trusting the outside world these days too... worrisome shaky quiet... not so much worth being a part of... and while this picture of disbelief is somewhere created by the self image of ours, the making of such self image is perhaps from the lack of its nourishment. Now, when this feeding of the soul is based on our thinking of the right vs the wrong, good vs bad, sin vs goodwill, evil vs angelic its too draining for the soul to begin with. Making itself after rationalizing such thoughts/emotions/actions/deeds can be exhausting enough at some point leading to an outcome that is very limited. And then we question if such self image can thrive? And the funny thing is that it only happens as we grow older into the working, life building, home making and ofcourse family making  years... we never really question ourselves while growing up. Thats when we believed  in what we were looking forward to! So when we “think/feel” we are done growing up, the outcomes of our actions, of the path of life we are on, of what happens vs what we thought/expected cannot be related to that belief of ours in looking forward to the good... coz whatever the path of life brings, believing in the good can never go wrong. We dont have to change it, dont have to disappoint it into non existent and frail... coz actions and reactions are unrelated to the being/one’s self. The world of difference between “trying to be good” vs being good/ “want to be happy” vs being happy... since birth there has to have been some time when we loved it, felt happy in it. Such time stopped when the ‘judgement’ started. So we have to stop judging and let the time flow, so the innerself recovers its quality of being good, being happy. About the daily humdrum, it will keep changing - like the water of the tides above the sand at the edge of the sea, constantly trying to get somewhere while the sand underneath keeps dancing and smiling in the love and music of life whichever way it goes...!!!

Dec, 2018
Shubhangi Saraf Hundiwale

Are you in the Journey?!!!

Are you in the Journey!!!
Hi Time to empty the mind! Lots going on. life has moved to a new phase! I am married I am pregnant with a boy about to deliver in 2 months living here in the US expecting my Indian family to come live with us working a job that is not so full time have friends living at the other end of the east coast. Too much in terms of full? Missing spiritual touch or say it’s there deep under layers of living. Routine is a disaster late sleep very late wake up odd cooking and eating raising questions about the future and the kid... one hope is from family that will come and help straighten things out... I guess lack of living the dream the way it’s “supposed to be” is disappointing causing a negative outlook towards life pretty much all the time. Expecting the perfect is where the flaw lies that’s clear but how to bring the mind off the rail track of trying to get to it... the direction is missing or it’s important to stay still while letting it all go the way it’s going.. letting the  journey go past and through me seems a better option than running after destinations that keep changing! I wonder if this is a sad way of looking at life or can it be ok? It will be ok if the fog of lack of acceptance causing distraught feelings clears and being ok with the beauty of life the way it is around me without feeling disappointed by it being still in the present vs reflecting on a negative future or past out of it... there is beauty in the presence.. it’s subtle... and easy to become unnoticed while expecting to travel fast on the rail track.. if I can let the journey pass through me with whichever pace it chooses while staying still in it, I will be able to enjoy and appreciate the beauty in the subtle, be able to be subtle and light myself coz that’s where I lie quiet and subtle at peace feeling the joy of life all the time coz I can. The journey is going to continue, the mind doesn’t have to race in the journey. It’s my choice whether to race myself or enjoy and be in the subtle during the journey’s race. Now that I can see from a distance it’s easy to see how the journey moves. It comes and goes phases in phases out is fast is slow feels constant but is transient! Being still, one can notice the existence of ones subtle stillness in the midst of the trans of the moving journey! While the journey fades in and out of brightness, one does not. It’s non existent vs existing. The key to the peaceful joyous stillness lies in the awareness of the transient journey which is natural, works through the forces of nature and does not have a role for one to control it. It cannot be begun or ended by one, it cannot be altered at ones will. It shall take shape around the energy of the existent /the one. The more one is aware of its nature the more one is free from the binding forms and shapes of the journey. And it’s easier to release a knot, actually only possible to release a knot when one can see it vs when one is in it! A light skill of hands doesn’t have to be brain teasing /blood sucking task/fight. So when it feels so, disengagement can bring realization of the journey vs ones self. Acceptance through observation instead of expecting change due to intense involvement is essential to live by the character of the one/the stillness/the subtle existence.

So, no, I may look like I am in the journey of life but in fact I am unrelated to it. It chooses to take shape and form around me. If I happen to get too involved trying to change its transient nature, I start feeling transient myself! If I observe it instead, it looks like the beautiful patterns in an ever changing mosaic, the joy of the vision I am meant to enjoy!

Dec, 2018
Shubhangi 

Most precious lines often lie in the miniature words written along the edges and corners of my page… Just as the reasoning of life… lying around everywhere… ; I cannot obliterate any part of it, until I have structured it into a meaningful imprint in my brain. Such is the complexity of mind. My relationship with peace has its own desire for reasoning.

Writing, learning, understanding and studying on a piece of paper - does not solve it, does not clarify it; but it makes me engaged in the right way… and thats why its precious to me”

Ss